I.W.I.W.D.

in the last few days I've had this reoccurring dream that Im crossing the street from the local convenience store and i get hit by the 933 bus. I've heard that if you die in your dreams you go into shock and could possibly have a heart attack and die. I've watched myself get thrown across the street by this bus 3 times now and nothing has happened. It felt so real too. I felt the force of the bus but didn't feel any pain whatsoever. I wonder if dying is like that. just force but painless. Every morning i wake up since I started having these dreams i kinda wish it comes true. I'll cross the street to the bus stop and just wait for the bus to come out of nowhere and take me out. I also get that feeling when I'm on my way home from work at night. the 901 goes through downtown up over the Coronado bridge and in through Coronado then through the strand into IB. I always imagine the bus driver falling asleep or fucking up in some way and we go over and into the water. Last night i was asleep and i swear I felt the bus falling. these dreams are so vivid its ridiculous. Frankly, I wish they'd come true. I can't stand it anymore. I feel shitty every day. physically and mentally. I see all these people doing something with their life and getting all these opportunities and its a constant reminder that i messed up my life. I just want to get rubbed out by something or someone. Sometimes I imagine a disgruntled biker will come through the back door at the shop and start shooting and start with me. I don't even think I would fight him off. I'd just sit there and let him take my life. I'm tired and just want to sleep forever.

Saturday Feb. 12 2011

I'm at the shop late tonight. I don't mind staying late most of the time, but i always forget that one little thing at the end of the night. How am I getting home?

I've been working here for about 7 months now and today it dawned on me. I'm a bottom feeder. I basically waste my days cleaning and taking shit from everyone and running around and stressing out and dealing with shitty customers for nearly nothing. I don't get a pay check. I get tipped out at the end of the night, and I don't get tipped too much. There are nights that i just make 20 bucks and Im supposed to be satisfied with that? No. I can't ask for a raise, I can't ask for anything. I feel bad asking for days off. I have the title of manager now and they trust me enough to give me a key and I am thankful for that. its a good feeling knowing someone trusts you enough with the keys to their business. I just need more. I want to learn to tattoo but i can't even draw and no one seems to want to help me. I understand too that if they were to help me it would be creating some more competition for them and thats fine. I can't find a normal job. I feel like I've been blacklisted and no one wants anything to do with me. I'm a huge loser. everyday i wake up and for a second I feel good about the day then I realize that I'm laying on a cushion in my moms living-room. I know I should feel grateful for having a place to stay, but I keep thinking about the fact that I'm getting closer to 30 and I have nothing to show or it. my life is meaningless. I have no future and I honestly feel that its pointless to even continue to try and make something of myself. I'm nothing. I'll never be anything but a loser who lives in his moms living-room. It echoes in my head everyday and eats away at me, and there's nothing i can do to save myself. a few months ago Thor said something to me that I can't ever get out of my head. He said that I fucked my life up so bad that I have to work here for 20 bucks a day cause I have no where else to go. He was right. I don't take them seriously when they call me gay or make fun of me I know they're joking but it gets old being the butt of every joke. I'm not witty enough to get them back. I don't feel good at all. I know this sounds like I'm complaining but in all actuality Im thankful I have this at least. I'm lucky to have my mom and the shop to help me but it doesn't help all the way. I don't feel good about myself ever. I feel ugly and cheap and pretty much dead inside. yeah I'll joke around and pretend to have a good time and pretend to be in a chipper mood but really thats all it is. Pretend.