I've been working here for about 7 months now and today it dawned on me. I'm a bottom feeder. I basically waste my days cleaning and taking shit from everyone and running around and stressing out and dealing with shitty customers for nearly nothing. I don't get a pay check. I get tipped out at the end of the night, and I don't get tipped too much. There are nights that i just make 20 bucks and Im supposed to be satisfied with that? No. I can't ask for a raise, I can't ask for anything. I feel bad asking for days off. I have the title of manager now and they trust me enough to give me a key and I am thankful for that. its a good feeling knowing someone trusts you enough with the keys to their business. I just need more. I want to learn to tattoo but i can't even draw and no one seems to want to help me. I understand too that if they were to help me it would be creating some more competition for them and thats fine. I can't find a normal job. I feel like I've been blacklisted and no one wants anything to do with me. I'm a huge loser. everyday i wake up and for a second I feel good about the day then I realize that I'm laying on a cushion in my moms living-room. I know I should feel grateful for having a place to stay, but I keep thinking about the fact that I'm getting closer to 30 and I have nothing to show or it. my life is meaningless. I have no future and I honestly feel that its pointless to even continue to try and make something of myself. I'm nothing. I'll never be anything but a loser who lives in his moms living-room. It echoes in my head everyday and eats away at me, and there's nothing i can do to save myself. a few months ago Thor said something to me that I can't ever get out of my head. He said that I fucked my life up so bad that I have to work here for 20 bucks a day cause I have no where else to go. He was right. I don't take them seriously when they call me gay or make fun of me I know they're joking but it gets old being the butt of every joke. I'm not witty enough to get them back. I don't feel good at all. I know this sounds like I'm complaining but in all actuality Im thankful I have this at least. I'm lucky to have my mom and the shop to help me but it doesn't help all the way. I don't feel good about myself ever. I feel ugly and cheap and pretty much dead inside. yeah I'll joke around and pretend to have a good time and pretend to be in a chipper mood but really thats all it is. Pretend.
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