I.W.I.W.D.

in the last few days I've had this reoccurring dream that Im crossing the street from the local convenience store and i get hit by the 933 bus. I've heard that if you die in your dreams you go into shock and could possibly have a heart attack and die. I've watched myself get thrown across the street by this bus 3 times now and nothing has happened. It felt so real too. I felt the force of the bus but didn't feel any pain whatsoever. I wonder if dying is like that. just force but painless. Every morning i wake up since I started having these dreams i kinda wish it comes true. I'll cross the street to the bus stop and just wait for the bus to come out of nowhere and take me out. I also get that feeling when I'm on my way home from work at night. the 901 goes through downtown up over the Coronado bridge and in through Coronado then through the strand into IB. I always imagine the bus driver falling asleep or fucking up in some way and we go over and into the water. Last night i was asleep and i swear I felt the bus falling. these dreams are so vivid its ridiculous. Frankly, I wish they'd come true. I can't stand it anymore. I feel shitty every day. physically and mentally. I see all these people doing something with their life and getting all these opportunities and its a constant reminder that i messed up my life. I just want to get rubbed out by something or someone. Sometimes I imagine a disgruntled biker will come through the back door at the shop and start shooting and start with me. I don't even think I would fight him off. I'd just sit there and let him take my life. I'm tired and just want to sleep forever.