I.W.I.W.D.

in the last few days I've had this reoccurring dream that Im crossing the street from the local convenience store and i get hit by the 933 bus. I've heard that if you die in your dreams you go into shock and could possibly have a heart attack and die. I've watched myself get thrown across the street by this bus 3 times now and nothing has happened. It felt so real too. I felt the force of the bus but didn't feel any pain whatsoever. I wonder if dying is like that. just force but painless. Every morning i wake up since I started having these dreams i kinda wish it comes true. I'll cross the street to the bus stop and just wait for the bus to come out of nowhere and take me out. I also get that feeling when I'm on my way home from work at night. the 901 goes through downtown up over the Coronado bridge and in through Coronado then through the strand into IB. I always imagine the bus driver falling asleep or fucking up in some way and we go over and into the water. Last night i was asleep and i swear I felt the bus falling. these dreams are so vivid its ridiculous. Frankly, I wish they'd come true. I can't stand it anymore. I feel shitty every day. physically and mentally. I see all these people doing something with their life and getting all these opportunities and its a constant reminder that i messed up my life. I just want to get rubbed out by something or someone. Sometimes I imagine a disgruntled biker will come through the back door at the shop and start shooting and start with me. I don't even think I would fight him off. I'd just sit there and let him take my life. I'm tired and just want to sleep forever.

Saturday Feb. 12 2011

I'm at the shop late tonight. I don't mind staying late most of the time, but i always forget that one little thing at the end of the night. How am I getting home?

I've been working here for about 7 months now and today it dawned on me. I'm a bottom feeder. I basically waste my days cleaning and taking shit from everyone and running around and stressing out and dealing with shitty customers for nearly nothing. I don't get a pay check. I get tipped out at the end of the night, and I don't get tipped too much. There are nights that i just make 20 bucks and Im supposed to be satisfied with that? No. I can't ask for a raise, I can't ask for anything. I feel bad asking for days off. I have the title of manager now and they trust me enough to give me a key and I am thankful for that. its a good feeling knowing someone trusts you enough with the keys to their business. I just need more. I want to learn to tattoo but i can't even draw and no one seems to want to help me. I understand too that if they were to help me it would be creating some more competition for them and thats fine. I can't find a normal job. I feel like I've been blacklisted and no one wants anything to do with me. I'm a huge loser. everyday i wake up and for a second I feel good about the day then I realize that I'm laying on a cushion in my moms living-room. I know I should feel grateful for having a place to stay, but I keep thinking about the fact that I'm getting closer to 30 and I have nothing to show or it. my life is meaningless. I have no future and I honestly feel that its pointless to even continue to try and make something of myself. I'm nothing. I'll never be anything but a loser who lives in his moms living-room. It echoes in my head everyday and eats away at me, and there's nothing i can do to save myself. a few months ago Thor said something to me that I can't ever get out of my head. He said that I fucked my life up so bad that I have to work here for 20 bucks a day cause I have no where else to go. He was right. I don't take them seriously when they call me gay or make fun of me I know they're joking but it gets old being the butt of every joke. I'm not witty enough to get them back. I don't feel good at all. I know this sounds like I'm complaining but in all actuality Im thankful I have this at least. I'm lucky to have my mom and the shop to help me but it doesn't help all the way. I don't feel good about myself ever. I feel ugly and cheap and pretty much dead inside. yeah I'll joke around and pretend to have a good time and pretend to be in a chipper mood but really thats all it is. Pretend.

Can't get this out of my head

nothing special

The last couple of weeks have been great, but of course life reared its ugly head and reminded me that Im not allowed to be happy. I met a girl, had a great time with her. Continued to have a great time with her. Of course there is drama involved. unfortunately my so called "friends" don't care about my happiness and start talking shit to me about stupid bro codes and respect for the homies. what the fuck ever! finally Im happy with something in my life and now everyone seems to want to tear it away. well not everyone but its bullshit that they just can't get over petty bullshit and start drama over some juvenile problem of theirs. None of those people will ever grow up. yeah they might have carriers or whatever but mentally they'll still always be little kids. I am now in a relationship and so far that has caused a lot of problems for it. I'm still waiting to see how i fuck this up for myself. I know its not going to last long as much as I try to keep it going and try to stay positive. Something is bound to go wrong. because I am really happy. she makes me smile everytime I think of her and our little inside jokes.her family thinks Im gay and trying to hide it by dating her. which is total bullshit, and soo unfair. they judge me based on my looks and the way I say things and dress. its very ignorant. she even thinks it sometimes too. I told her I thought it was funny but it really isn't ok at all. I can never win. this is all bullshit. I am done trying to be this nice optimistic guy I just can't do it when I know tomorrow will only get worse and worse and worse nothing good ever happens to me for long I'll get a taste then it gets taken away over something stupid. I can't take this anymore Im tired of waking up every morning and having nothing to look forward to. Im tired of my life just sucking worse and worse everyday and I've tried to think positive and I've tried to get my shit together no one seems to give me a chance nothing gives me a chance. 

I can't take much more

For once I thought things were going to get better but  forget that life has this way of fucking with me by making me think things will be ok then ripping that hope away from me. I thought I had a place to live but turns out Im just a guest now. Even though I'm paying rent, Im still a guest since i don't pay that much and live in the living room. Just because the new roommate who pays more rent and has very little to worry about has small stupid irrational issues with me being there the way i am. because she wants to have her uptight boyfriend over. I can't even listen to my own music while I'm there because she doesn't like it. just because she pays more rent than i do I have to kiss her ass and do what she wants. I just need a chance to get my shit together. nothing goes right for me ever. I try. I tried. Im close to giving up. I've been getting these images of certain people's face when they find out I've gone. I've thought about what they might say, or if they'd cry or not. Obviously my family would take it the hardest. my friends would be hurt and sad as well. I've also been sort of wanting to get in a bad car wreck and die that way. I keep playing all these scenarios in my head. The thing is that it doesn't bother me at all. I've had it at this point. I'm tired of feeling like a complete failure and a constant disappointment in life. I wake up every morning disappointed at the fact that I woke up. I have nothing to look forward to. I have no future. I tried school and now i can't go because of some small bullshit that won't allow me to get financial aide. I haven't been able to get a job. I think I've been blacklisted or something no one seems to be getting back to me. Even the jobs that I had friends at. my friends aren't getting back to me either. I feel like no one wants to give me a break. I'm thankful that I at least have some kind of job at Lucky's but its not enough for me to get a place or support myself. I'm literally stuck in this shithole of a situation. and as much as I want and try to get out of it I always seem to fall back in. Its not fair. I'm a good person, I don't do anything wrong to anyone. Yet for some reason I get the shit end of the stick everytime something goes right in my life. I don't think I'm meant to be happy. 

The Mad Arab

I've been living here for a while. actually its been 4 months but it seems like forever. Its funny how when you're not enjoying something it seems like time slows down for some reason. You can know someone for 10 years, but never truly know them until, that is, you move in with them. Then you start seeing just how full of shit they are.  For example, my current roommate is crazy, passive aggressive, a pathological liar and very very very dirty. I've known him for about 8 years now and he's always been a cool dude. Then again, I never really got to know him until recently and he disgusts me now. He'll go out to bars almost all the time and the next day will tell me about how all these girls were after him and this girl said this and whatever. He does it every time. He's told me about friends of ours that wanted him. He recently told me he hooked up with my ex. I almost believed him, mostly because this girl has hooked up with a lot of my friends, but I remember that that girl in particular is very shallow so she would've never hooked up with this guy. He tells stories that other people have told him as if he were there or if it was him. He's been telling people he's been to jail and went to a work farm as if its impressive. I know he never got arrested at all. he tells these lies with me right in front of him knowing I know he's lying. He's crazy and has been a totally irrational prick to our other roommate. So bad in fact that she has decided to move out because she doesn't feel safe. I don't think he would do anything to her at all. All he does is talk shit behind her back. I've seen him say stuff to her face once. every other time he's texted her. He's done it to me. He will leave the house and not say a word to me as he's leaving then a few minutes later he'll text me or message me on facebook telling me some shit he could've said to my face a minute ago. He's a coward. Once his Ex's Ex was coming towards him to fight or whatever instead of standing his ground he pushes his girl towards the guy and runs upstairs. He maintains to this day that he walked upstairs to get a knife and when he came out the guy was gone. TOTAL BULLSHIT!! He name drops a lot which bugs the crap out of me. He'll bring up people he knows who are in big bands trying to impress who ever's there. The thing is everyone else knows he's full of it and they can tell.  Living with him is quite a struggle as well. There is a big line between messy and dirty, and he's just dirty. He has dishes in his room for weeks and when I finally get them they have old food, cigarette butts, and hair in and on them. Thats another issue. He leaves hair everywhere and doesn't ever clean up after himself. I seriously think our bathroom is infected with something because of how nasty its gotten. He pisses all over the toilet all the time. I can't tell you the number of times I've had piss on my hand just because I went to lift the toilet seat.  He shaves and cuts his hair and leaves it in the sink and all over the room. I've thrown up a couple times because I've found his hair on food and its disgusting. I'm not perfect, but I am considerate enough to clean up after myself. I don't lie about shit because people know when you're lying, all this guy is talk shit and piss his life away. He's always paranoid about people talking about him. Yet he does it all the time. He was selling prescription drugs to people for a while and and as far as I know he's stopped but he would talk about it around our friends and recently it got back to him that people were calling him a drug dealer (which he was), and he got really pissed and condemned them and started talking ever more shit about everyone.  He talks about how everyone is immature and we're not in high school anymore but he behaves like a 9th grader all the time. I hate hypocrites. I know I can just let all this stuff not get to me but its a constant thing. I feel like I'm the enabler for not saying anything to him about it. I just hate people now.

April 9th 2010 6:03am

I haven't slept yet. I feel like I never sleep anymore. I've been watching the sun rise all week and I can't help but stay awake all night. Ive been staying my good friend Michael T.'s house for a majority of the week, mostly due to the fact that he's always too tired to take me home. That and I hate being at home. I don't like being anywhere these days I'd be content in a room by myself locked away from the world right now, with no one to ask me any questions or bother me with their petty problems.
I trust Michael though, he's about the only person I trust these days. Almost everyone in my life has proved to be two-faced and fake to me at some point. Michael has done a lot for me, he's been my night in shining sweater-vest so many times, saving me from myself at a time when I was my own worst enemy. I don't give him enough credit though, I feel bad, he's atually my best friend. I've never had a best friend before. I've had friends that I've known since I was really small but never one I could actually call my BEST friend. I give him shit for a lot of stuff but I ever mean it in a mean way. I just get carried away with the fun making ya know?
I have grown fond of my new friends in Normal Heights though. I always forget my problems when im out there. I just get to lestats and Im worry free for the time being. and everyone there is a character its amazing. Someone should write a sitcom based on that place. It would be perfect.
I spend alot of my days there since I have no job and can't seem to get one althought I've been trying for months. I feel like a leper and that no one wants anything to do with me in regards to finding a job. Sure, they'll be nice to me and hang out but once it comes to helping me with a job they all seem to turn their backs to me. Its been hard and I honestly feel at the this point that I have no future, and that I'm wasting my time pursuing any kind of career. All I ever wanted to do is tour and see the world or country at least and play music every night, but for some reason I always get dicked out of doing it. every band Ive ever been in has kicked me out then gone on tour. I have a lot of friends who's bands are really popular and get to tour almost year round. I can't say it's not fair and that they don't deserve it cause they do, but so do I!!
Needless to say i think my dream is dead.